Faith on a Rock

When I lost my baby a few months ago, I had a miscarriage in the first trimester, I was upset. I grieved for the baby I wouldn't get to hold. While talking about it with my husband, he gave me a great idea for how to process my grief. I was afraid of forgetting my baby. I hadn't felt any movement and barely knew the baby was there before I lost it. I was worried that I would forget. That our family would forget the precious soul that should have joined us. I wanted to make a memorial for my baby. Nothing fancy or showy for the world, just a reminder for our family. I love pyrography, wood burning, so my husband suggested that I make a wooden memorial such as a family tree. I loved that idea! I spent the next hour thinking about how to do it and what I would need. I made several sketches of my tree. I was on fire with the plan for remembering my baby. It was a helpful project for me. I'm proud to say that I finished my family tree this weekend. It was wonderful spending the

These are some thoughts and quotes that have helped comfort me during difficult moments. Just because you're taking longer than others does not mean you're a failure. Keep going. We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. -Thomas S. Monson Pray when you feel like worrying. Give thanks when you feel like complaining. Keep going when you feel like quitting. My efforts are enough. Even when things don't go exactly to plan. Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. -Bob Marley If you feel you have a lemon, you can either complain about how sour it is, or you can make lemonade. It is all up to you. -Dale Carnegie You are enough. When it rains, look for rainbows. When it's dark, look for stars. Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go. -Mooji The sun showed up again so I looked up and asked it: "Why?" The sun looked down and brightly whispered: "To give you another try." The best views come after the

More poems from several years ago. Miracle March 4, 2007 So you want to see a miracle? I’ll show you one now So you want to see a miracle? Right here and right now? Yeah, I’ll show you a miracle, I think it’s cool Of course I think it should be dedicated To everything bad in my life To everyone who told me, “You can’t,” “You won’t,” “Don’t even try” This is a miracle for you, You pessimists, you bullies Always picking on me So you want to see a miracle? Well, look at me You said I’d never swim, I’d never spell it right, I’d never be in first, I couldn’t win this fight You said I wouldn’t do it, You emphasized on couldn’t. The world didn’t need me, It’d be better if I weren’t born So you want to see a miracle? Just look at me! You said I couldn’t do it, But I did. You said I wouldn’t do it, But I did. I tell you I’m a miracle, Because I made it through You gave me every reason to give up, I should’ve let you win. You see I'm a miracle, Because

I found my folder of old poems. I'll share them here to save them. Arlington May 28, 2018 When I went to Arlington, I slowly walked alone. I wanted to respect them, the names I didn’t know. Thousands and thousands, the white headstones were so straight. They stand in perfect rank and file; forever they will wait. I marveled at their beauty; I tried to read their names. There are too many for me to read; too many died for me. Though I do not know them, they never dreamed of me, They gave their lives fighting, for the land of the free. I went to see the Tomb, that honors the Unknown. How many families waited, for those who can’t come home? When I went to Arlington, I reflected on the past. Why are there names not older than my own? This graveyard is supposed to be just for wars of old. I know that we’re still fighting, but these names brought it home. Arlington is not just filled with past heroes. I saw a black casket, pulled by four black horses. One more s

The Apostle Paul was a very successful missionary. He could talk to and relate to anyone. He was a Hebrew, Greek, and Roman. What really made him successful is that he told his story. He told it as often and to as many people as he could. Paul took advantage of public areas and large gatherings. He shared his story. Since I came home from my mission I have struggled with depression and increased anxiety. It has made me feel as though there is a dark cloud over my head, or an impenetrable roof of some kind, that prevents the Spirit of God or any feeling from God to come to me and penetrate that ceiling. It has made me question my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The one thing I do know, and that I've clung to, is that whatever questions I have, I will not be able to answer them outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I've always been able to pray. I don't recall the last time I felt an answer or that my prayers have penetrated the impenetrab

I have had my back re-evaluated by an orthopedic physician's assistant. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. This is what happened: I already wrote about the original trauma in this post . After my mission, I got another MRI and went back to physical therapy for a short time. My insurance screwed me over so I had to stop going to physical therapy, but it was good to get a refresher on my exercises. The diagnosis was the same. Fast forward to today, coming up on 9 years from the initial trauma, the herniated discs. If I remember right, it was October 2010 that I started to have my sciatic pain. So it has been 9 years since I've been aware of this back problem. I still have pain after long, exerting days or activities. Going for a run or spending a day at the zoo or National Mall will cause pain in my leg and lower back. Sometimes I even get the ankle pain. September 12, 2019. I went to see the orthopedic office here in Virginia for the first time. I had my original MRI ima

I don't write often. Obviously. It takes a lot for me to sit down and write out my thoughts. I've never been much of a writer. There's always something else I'd rather be doing. So what am I doing tonight? I'm writing down my thoughts, my experiences of the last few months. This is a little bit of a review of the last few years. I need to get it out and typing is faster than writing. I also promised I would write out my emotions of late. Here I go. I've been going through psychotherapy for the last year and a half. I've felt depressed and anxious for at least four years now and I used the traumatic birth of my daughter as an excuse to finally see a therapist. I experienced a lot of traumas in a few short years and the emotional toll has been hard. Let me list out my traumas: --14 December 2010: Herniated 2 discs (L4-L5 & L5-S1) --14 February 2012: Death of my dog, my best friend, Sarah --30 March 2013: Return home from my mission --1st week of July

"Depression" by Emilie R. B. Pratt 14 August 2017 I want to hide in darkness Surrounded by despair. I can't control my feelings It's hard to find the air. This isn't me. I don't know where I am. The sadness slowly took over. One little piece at a time It came crawling, reaching, Touching every part of my life. I miss myself. I want to be set free. My life was full of purpose. I had direction, confidence, peace. People wanted to be around me, Very few things bring relief. Anger, fear, anxiety, stress. They all take a turn. I don't have any control. I must watch from a distance. I want to come back. I feel defeated. Doctors are expensive, But maybe there's a way. I'm afraid to lose completely, But the darkness makes me stay. I have depression.

On January 21st, 2014 Johnathan Sandberg gave a devotional address at BYU with this title. It really impacted me. With my other posts I've said a lot about my back problems. This address that Brother Sandberg gave me hope and confidence to heal. So I'm going to share some of my thoughts and feelings on that for this post. Let me share me notes from the devotional. **I never got around to fully posting my thoughts on this. So here's the link to the devotional.** Healing is a gift. Healing is growth, time, change. It does hurt. It requires suffering, even though it's a gift. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jonathan-g-sandberg/healing-courage-action-grace/

"Miscarriage" by Emilie R. B. Pratt 30 August 2019 I’m falling into the hole of depression. I’m curled in a ball. It’s getting darker and darker the farther I fall. I see the light at the top of the hole. But it’s getting smaller. I see help, but I can’t cry out. My voice is silenced by the dark. I silently cry. I wish I could be seen. If only the help would look my direction. Maybe they would see. Maybe they would hold me and tell me they love me. I had a miscarriage in August 2019. I wasn't happy to get pregnant, but I wasn't going to get rid of my baby. I wanted the baby. After I got over the anger I had from finding out I was pregnant, I was looking forward to having another baby. I wanted my baby. I was excited to hear the heartbeat at the first OB appointment. Instead, Dr. Silas took my hand in his and told me he was almost certain I had lost the baby. I should have been 10 weeks along. The baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. There was no heartbea