The Apostle Paul was a very successful missionary. He could talk to and relate to anyone. He was a Hebrew, Greek, and Roman. What really made him successful is that he told his story. He told it as often and to as many people as he could. Paul took advantage of public areas and large gatherings. He shared his story.
Since I came home from my mission I have struggled with depression and increased anxiety. It has made me feel as though there is a dark cloud over my head, or an impenetrable roof of some kind, that prevents the Spirit of God or any feeling from God to come to me and penetrate that ceiling. It has made me question my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The one thing I do know, and that I've clung to, is that whatever questions I have, I will not be able to answer them outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I've always been able to pray. I don't recall the last time I felt an answer or that my prayers have penetrated the impenetrable ceiling over my head, but I have always continued praying.
How does this relate to Paul? I listened to a woman teach our Stake Scripture Class today. I don't know her. I don't know what ward she's in. She shared her story and it touched me. She married a returned missionary, was sealed in the temple and had four children with him. When she was in her thirties, he left their family. At the time, she was really struggling with the "shoulds" of the Church. "Should I do or be doing...?" She decided she needed to figure out what she could do. She read the fourth Article of Faith:
I thought about my story. When I was a brand new missionary in the California Anaheim Mission in 2011, I had my first interview with my Mission President. He asked me to share my testimony with him. When I finished, he told me to share that story every chance I got. I did my best to share that story as often as I could as a missionary. I don't know how it impacted the people who heard it, but I know I did my best to follow my Mission President's directions, and I think it helped my testimony stay strong and grow stronger throughout my mission. I would like to share my story.
When I was about 14 or 15 years old, my family was living in Northern California, in Humboldt County. I was in high school and still in the younger group of seminary kids at Church. I don't remember all the events leading up to this, but somehow I realized it was time for me to figure out my own testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and stop relying on my parents and church leaders. I had always gone to Church. I read the scriptures, lead my youth group, prayed, attended the temple; everything that could be asked of a devout youth, I did. But I didn't know for myself.
I was about the same age as Joseph Smith, Jr. when he asked God about which religion was true. I knew that's what I had to do. I had to ask God my questions. I knew how to pray. I had felt the influence of the Spirit before. I expected it to be easy, quick, and comforting.
I don't remember where I went to pray, but I think I was outside. I knelt down and asked God, my Heavenly Father, if He was there. I asked if the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church and if the Book of Mormon is true. I silently waited. I don't know how long I waited. I didn't feel anything. I felt alone. I felt empty. I felt like I was talking to the clouds. I felt like my prayer didn't go anywhere. I was disappointed and scared. I was scared because I had been following these teachings my whole life. What if they weren't true? The Gospel of Christ was so central to everything I did that I didn't know who I was without it. I was scared that it wasn't true and that I didn't know who I was.
This really bothered me. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I went on as normally as I could for several days while pondering this experience. I think I continued saying my daily prayers, but I honestly don't remember. However, I do know that I continued to read the scriptures, so I probably kept praying too, but I didn't feel any response from the Spirit. Anyways, a few days after my initial prayer and stressing about who I am and the truth, I remember reading the Book of Mormon in my bedroom. I was reading in the evening because I am not a morning person and at night I can be sure to have some quiet time to myself. I opened the Book of Mormon to where I had left off, in 2 Nephi. I was worrying about not having received an answer to my prayer asking to simply know if God was there. I remembered something someone at Church had said. They said that they liked to put their own name in the scriptures wherever there are pronouns, such as "my son" or the name of the person being addressed. I decided to try doing that as I read in 2 Nephi. I read in chapter 2. Everything was normal until verse 14. Substituting my own name, the verse reads:
When I read the words "for there is a God," I felt as though I had been wrapped in a big hug. It was warm and fuzzy. My whole body was tingly and I felt happy. I finally had my answer. There is a God.
Why did I get an answer when I read those words in the Book of Mormon instead of when I first said my prayer? Why did I have to struggle with doubt and fear for a few days? I don't know the exact answer, but I have a good idea. First, the Lord's time is different from ours. Second, the Lord answers prayers in many different ways. Third, I don't think I was honestly asking the first time. I think I was too complacent about it. I didn't have the real intent behind my questions. I wasn't truly asking for myself yet. By not answering me for a few days, Heavenly Father allowed me to decide if I really wanted to know the answers to those questions. I had to decide if it really mattered to me. It did. I didn't realize it when I first asked, so the surprise of not receiving an immediate answer helped me to be honest with myself and with God. Once I honestly wanted to know, Heavenly Father guided me to receive the answer in a way that I would recognize and remember.
So what do I do now? I'm struggling with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I hardly recognize the Spirit in my life. You know what? Just writing my story down feels good. I remember the hug I felt when I read 2 Nephi 2:14. I like reading that verse. I'm going to try focusing on the things I can do. Then I'm going to do them every day. Hopefully, as I continue therapy, I will be able to push back the anxious "shoulds" and I won't have to worry about my testimony wavering anymore.
This is a General Conference talk from Sister Reyna I. Aburto this past weekend. She perfectly described my mental illness and addressed how to help people with mental illnesses. It was very comforting to me.
Since I came home from my mission I have struggled with depression and increased anxiety. It has made me feel as though there is a dark cloud over my head, or an impenetrable roof of some kind, that prevents the Spirit of God or any feeling from God to come to me and penetrate that ceiling. It has made me question my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The one thing I do know, and that I've clung to, is that whatever questions I have, I will not be able to answer them outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I've always been able to pray. I don't recall the last time I felt an answer or that my prayers have penetrated the impenetrable ceiling over my head, but I have always continued praying.
How does this relate to Paul? I listened to a woman teach our Stake Scripture Class today. I don't know her. I don't know what ward she's in. She shared her story and it touched me. She married a returned missionary, was sealed in the temple and had four children with him. When she was in her thirties, he left their family. At the time, she was really struggling with the "shoulds" of the Church. "Should I do or be doing...?" She decided she needed to figure out what she could do. She read the fourth Article of Faith:
We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.This teacher shared that she could do those things and endure to the end. Her faith and her testimony haven't wavered as she's followed those four steps. She encouraged the class to share our stories.
I thought about my story. When I was a brand new missionary in the California Anaheim Mission in 2011, I had my first interview with my Mission President. He asked me to share my testimony with him. When I finished, he told me to share that story every chance I got. I did my best to share that story as often as I could as a missionary. I don't know how it impacted the people who heard it, but I know I did my best to follow my Mission President's directions, and I think it helped my testimony stay strong and grow stronger throughout my mission. I would like to share my story.
When I was about 14 or 15 years old, my family was living in Northern California, in Humboldt County. I was in high school and still in the younger group of seminary kids at Church. I don't remember all the events leading up to this, but somehow I realized it was time for me to figure out my own testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and stop relying on my parents and church leaders. I had always gone to Church. I read the scriptures, lead my youth group, prayed, attended the temple; everything that could be asked of a devout youth, I did. But I didn't know for myself.
I was about the same age as Joseph Smith, Jr. when he asked God about which religion was true. I knew that's what I had to do. I had to ask God my questions. I knew how to pray. I had felt the influence of the Spirit before. I expected it to be easy, quick, and comforting.
I don't remember where I went to pray, but I think I was outside. I knelt down and asked God, my Heavenly Father, if He was there. I asked if the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church and if the Book of Mormon is true. I silently waited. I don't know how long I waited. I didn't feel anything. I felt alone. I felt empty. I felt like I was talking to the clouds. I felt like my prayer didn't go anywhere. I was disappointed and scared. I was scared because I had been following these teachings my whole life. What if they weren't true? The Gospel of Christ was so central to everything I did that I didn't know who I was without it. I was scared that it wasn't true and that I didn't know who I was.
This really bothered me. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I went on as normally as I could for several days while pondering this experience. I think I continued saying my daily prayers, but I honestly don't remember. However, I do know that I continued to read the scriptures, so I probably kept praying too, but I didn't feel any response from the Spirit. Anyways, a few days after my initial prayer and stressing about who I am and the truth, I remember reading the Book of Mormon in my bedroom. I was reading in the evening because I am not a morning person and at night I can be sure to have some quiet time to myself. I opened the Book of Mormon to where I had left off, in 2 Nephi. I was worrying about not having received an answer to my prayer asking to simply know if God was there. I remembered something someone at Church had said. They said that they liked to put their own name in the scriptures wherever there are pronouns, such as "my son" or the name of the person being addressed. I decided to try doing that as I read in 2 Nephi. I read in chapter 2. Everything was normal until verse 14. Substituting my own name, the verse reads:
And now, Emilie, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.
When I read the words "for there is a God," I felt as though I had been wrapped in a big hug. It was warm and fuzzy. My whole body was tingly and I felt happy. I finally had my answer. There is a God.
Why did I get an answer when I read those words in the Book of Mormon instead of when I first said my prayer? Why did I have to struggle with doubt and fear for a few days? I don't know the exact answer, but I have a good idea. First, the Lord's time is different from ours. Second, the Lord answers prayers in many different ways. Third, I don't think I was honestly asking the first time. I think I was too complacent about it. I didn't have the real intent behind my questions. I wasn't truly asking for myself yet. By not answering me for a few days, Heavenly Father allowed me to decide if I really wanted to know the answers to those questions. I had to decide if it really mattered to me. It did. I didn't realize it when I first asked, so the surprise of not receiving an immediate answer helped me to be honest with myself and with God. Once I honestly wanted to know, Heavenly Father guided me to receive the answer in a way that I would recognize and remember.
So what do I do now? I'm struggling with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I hardly recognize the Spirit in my life. You know what? Just writing my story down feels good. I remember the hug I felt when I read 2 Nephi 2:14. I like reading that verse. I'm going to try focusing on the things I can do. Then I'm going to do them every day. Hopefully, as I continue therapy, I will be able to push back the anxious "shoulds" and I won't have to worry about my testimony wavering anymore.
This is a General Conference talk from Sister Reyna I. Aburto this past weekend. She perfectly described my mental illness and addressed how to help people with mental illnesses. It was very comforting to me.
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