Faith on a Rock

I have had my back re-evaluated by an orthopedic physician's assistant. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. This is what happened: I already wrote about the original trauma in this post . After my mission, I got another MRI and went back to physical therapy for a short time. My insurance screwed me over so I had to stop going to physical therapy, but it was good to get a refresher on my exercises. The diagnosis was the same. Fast forward to today, coming up on 9 years from the initial trauma, the herniated discs. If I remember right, it was October 2010 that I started to have my sciatic pain. So it has been 9 years since I've been aware of this back problem. I still have pain after long, exerting days or activities. Going for a run or spending a day at the zoo or National Mall will cause pain in my leg and lower back. Sometimes I even get the ankle pain. September 12, 2019. I went to see the orthopedic office here in Virginia for the first time. I had my original MRI ima...

I don't write often. Obviously. It takes a lot for me to sit down and write out my thoughts. I've never been much of a writer. There's always something else I'd rather be doing. So what am I doing tonight? I'm writing down my thoughts, my experiences of the last few months. This is a little bit of a review of the last few years. I need to get it out and typing is faster than writing. I also promised I would write out my emotions of late. Here I go. I've been going through psychotherapy for the last year and a half. I've felt depressed and anxious for at least four years now and I used the traumatic birth of my daughter as an excuse to finally see a therapist. I experienced a lot of traumas in a few short years and the emotional toll has been hard. Let me list out my traumas: --14 December 2010: Herniated 2 discs (L4-L5 & L5-S1) --14 February 2012: Death of my dog, my best friend, Sarah --30 March 2013: Return home from my mission --1st week of July...

"Depression" by Emilie R. B. Pratt 14 August 2017 I want to hide in darkness Surrounded by despair. I can't control my feelings It's hard to find the air. This isn't me. I don't know where I am. The sadness slowly took over. One little piece at a time It came crawling, reaching, Touching every part of my life. I miss myself. I want to be set free. My life was full of purpose. I had direction, confidence, peace. People wanted to be around me, Very few things bring relief. Anger, fear, anxiety, stress. They all take a turn. I don't have any control. I must watch from a distance. I want to come back. I feel defeated. Doctors are expensive, But maybe there's a way. I'm afraid to lose completely, But the darkness makes me stay. I have depression.

On January 21st, 2014 Johnathan Sandberg gave a devotional address at BYU with this title. It really impacted me. With my other posts I've said a lot about my back problems. This address that Brother Sandberg gave me hope and confidence to heal. So I'm going to share some of my thoughts and feelings on that for this post. Let me share me notes from the devotional. **I never got around to fully posting my thoughts on this. So here's the link to the devotional.** Healing is a gift. Healing is growth, time, change. It does hurt. It requires suffering, even though it's a gift. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jonathan-g-sandberg/healing-courage-action-grace/

"Miscarriage" by Emilie R. B. Pratt 30 August 2019 I’m falling into the hole of depression. I’m curled in a ball. It’s getting darker and darker the farther I fall. I see the light at the top of the hole. But it’s getting smaller. I see help, but I can’t cry out. My voice is silenced by the dark. I silently cry. I wish I could be seen. If only the help would look my direction. Maybe they would see. Maybe they would hold me and tell me they love me. I had a miscarriage in August 2019. I wasn't happy to get pregnant, but I wasn't going to get rid of my baby. I wanted the baby. After I got over the anger I had from finding out I was pregnant, I was looking forward to having another baby. I wanted my baby. I was excited to hear the heartbeat at the first OB appointment. Instead, Dr. Silas took my hand in his and told me he was almost certain I had lost the baby. I should have been 10 weeks along. The baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. There was no heartbea...